Oh; tears. That’s ok. We can keep talking in the meantime.
That’s how I’ve handled tears in the office. Most of my experience comes either from my own strong emotional reactions or when working on hard stuff with our female employees. What’s been common to all the latter situations is a distinct sense of shame or regret I sense from the woman I’m talking with. I didn’t really understand this until I looked into the conventional wisdom on crying in the office and talked with some women. What I’ve discovered made me think more deeply about crying, and made me realize what a double standard exists in the workplace.
Tears indicate strong feelings. So do yelling, swearing, talking loudly, and slamming doors. Strong feelings can be an indicator of passion. At work, tears have always signaled to me that the cryer gives a shit. Since that’s one of Atomic’s value mantras, crying never struck me as particularly bothersome or problematic. It’s certainly true that I’ve been privileged to work with strong, competent, level-headed, caring women, and relatively few of them, but I’ll just go ahead and generalize anyway: in my mind, tears are usually an information radiator for caring.
The conventional wisdom for women on crying at work seems to be clear: don’t do it. The practical advice is all about either avoiding crying or minimizing its impact on your career. Oh, and don’t mind the double standard. A strong male leader who tears up at a farewell party for a close friend might actually improve his reputation. Not so the woman who succumbs to similarly strong feelings. It was an eye opener for me to read what professional women are being advised on crying.
If you’re a male leader of a company with female employees I’d suggest doing some research. Watch this Howdini video or read this research from Penn State. What you’ll find is that every woman has experienced that “terrible moment, when something goes terribly wrong”, when you feel like you might burst into tears, but “you can’t do it”. After all, work is about “facts, not feelings.” After all, no one wants to suffer the “walk of shame” from the bosses office to the bathroom with running mascara. And since everyone knows that women can control their tears, they must be manipulating a situation if they cry. Yikes!
Brittany explained the conventional wisdom to me very simply. The phrase “boys don’t cry” is a euphemism for emotions being a sign of weakness. Women are conditioned to believe that emotions don’t belong in the workplace. Ergo, if you want to be perceived as strong and be accepted in the workplace, don’t show emotions, and don’t cry. (Incredibly, we even had a mug in our office that codifies this!)
Is caring a bad thing? I don’t engage lightly with my work. I spend a lot of time working, and when I’m not working, I spend a lot of time thinking about work. Since I love what I do, and who I do it with, I’m not only ok with this, I’m delighted by it. I hope to hire people who feel similarly passionate and engaged with work. I pity the people who count the days until Friday and the years until retirement. A small company with employees who care about their work, who have a common purpose, and important social connections at work, sounds an awful lot like a big, extended family. Should we be surprised if tears happen under such circumstances? I don’t think so.
If caring isn’t a bad thing, then you can’t ban emotions from the workplace. At Atomic strong emotions exhibit themselves in our male employees through strong language, rapid speech, and raised voices. I’ve personally even stormed out of the office once (which I am a little embarrassed by, actually.) I suspect no one exhibiting strong emotions this way feels the need to walk in shame to the bathroom. If you reject the idea that emotions are irrelevant in the workplace, then you should accept a range of emotional responses.
I’m not proposing that crying is ideal. In general, letting your emotions carry you away, even though it comes from a place of dedication and caring, isn’t the best way to deal with difficult issues at work. I just don’t think tears should be viewed any more or less negatively than swearing, yelling, or stomping out.
While I reject the logic behind the conventional wisdom and advice on crying, I think it’s important to be aware that the women who work with you are likely influenced by this thinking. Making tears ok and non-stigmatizing seems like the least we can do to help a difficult situation and to fight a double standard.
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Lane Halley
December 2, 2011Carl, this is an amazing post. If we’re ever going to remedy the imbalance of women in tech, we need to start thinking and talking about stuff like this. Thank you.
Carl Erickson
December 2, 2011Thanks, Lane. To be honest I was a bit nervous since it’s a sensitive subject. But it also feels like an important one for the GNB audience, so I went ahead. Glad you appreciated it.
GW
December 2, 2011I’m teaching a class this term at Utah Valley University – The class is “Principles of Leadership” I have dedicated a significant session to Gender, Diversity, and Leadership. Your blog post may find its way into our conversation :) As I saw the blog post title in my email I wondered if it might be male-focused. More and more, men cry. Maybe that’s a title for a future blog :). I found myself the other day in a meeting and stuffing the tears like crazy, and it was very embarrassing! But, alas, I also like quiche.gw
Carl Erickson
December 4, 2011Gordon, there’s a very interesting special section of the Economist last week (11/26 issue) on “Women and Work”. Might be very good for your class.
I think you’ve brought up a good point: it can be pretty embarrassing for men to cry at work because of the way we’re socialized. That’s a burden, too. Or maybe an opportunity?
Patrick Foley
December 3, 2011Great post, Carl. I think of the times I’ve cried at work, and you’re right – they all involve people and topics I care about a great deal. They usually also signal that I messed something up, which I HATE doing even more than crying at the office.
Carl Erickson
December 4, 2011Thanks, Patrick. Your example is interesting to me as I’ve never felt close to tears when I’ve made a mistake at work.
Anonymous
December 3, 2011I once sat in a meeting with a person who was crying. They were also scribbling the phrase “Don’t let the bastards get you down” over and over again. I wasn’t bothered by the tears, but I was bothered by the scribbling. Was I one of the bastards? I asked the scribbler and was told the very visible notes were none of my business. I took that as a yes.
I am personally horrible at crying. I would be so pleased if I could just silently have tears run down my face. Instead, on the rare occasion where it happens, I convulse. I sob. It’s pathetic. But I reserve that kind of emotional collapse to things like death, weddings of close friends, etc. I am very envious of people who cry while they sing or talk. Hell, I wish I could cry and walk at the same time!
Emotion is a very valuable part of being human, but it isn’t always productive. Any emotion can be productive depending on the context. For example, rage can save your life if you are ever physically assaulted. It can also cost someone else their life (and your freedom) if it guides your actions on the freeway. I wish our work cultures would shift away from the emotionally robotic environments some people believe are ideal to environments where emotional behavior is regarded in the context in which it occurs.
Since you’ve already offered a confessional, I’m going to add one of mine. Early in my consulting career I got really angry at another consultant who mocked me for not wanting to do big-up-front-requirements (both of us were being childish). I called him a jackass and slammed the door on my way out.
Carl Erickson
December 4, 2011Great insight, Dave, that not all emotional behavior is productive or rooted in caring. Mary O’Neill and Mike Marsiglia both reviewed early drafts and made similar points. I modified accordingly. Your examples are excellent.
I think this is where I (admittedly) suffer from generalizing off a relatively few cases of experience with strong, caring, competent colleagues. I’ve never been in situations like you describe above.
Anonymous
December 4, 2011Perhaps one of the signs of a truly healthy organization (i.e. a great one) is that emotion will overwhelmingly be “productive and rooted in caring.” I think that in the exceptional cases where emotion is not rooted in caring (I love that phrase), an organization that values emotion will be much more adept at dealing with it than organizations that marginalize feelings.
Also, I don’t think my comment about some emotion being unproductive is really all that relevant to your main point – we really shouldn’t look down on a woman who cries at work.
Tim
September 12, 2018Incredibly, that’s a quote from The Handmaid’s Tale. A lot more popular now than it was in 2011. Even more interesting is that the character who originally coins it in the novel is male, and it doesn’t refer to anyone in particular but is codified as a sort of mantra against machismo oppression. Like a feminist war cry.
Kelli MW
December 4, 2011I have admittedly done the post-cry walk of shame once or twice during my former days inside an office. There have also been times where I was proud I held my tears in because I didn’t want to give the jerk talking down to me the satisfaction of seeing me affected so deeply. In cases like that, retaining a neutral level of emotion can actually have more of an impact on people who think they are “above” you. However, I don’t believe that crying = weakness. Passion is a powerful and driving force; the ways we express it can vary greatly depending on the situation. It’s refreshing to hear about a company that not only respects, but seeks out passionate people to work for them.
Very thought-provoking post, Carl.
Carl Erickson
December 4, 2011Thanks for sharing, Kelli. I totally agree that crying isn’t a sign of weakness. All the more reason to talk about this subject if that’s how some managers see it.
Kiran M N
May 24, 2012Good Post. I have not done any research on this topic, but out of experience and common-sense, i feel that crying is an expression of displeasure.
While men are likely going to respond by yelling or walk out slamming the door behind, women express it by crying, sometimes. What essentially matters is the reason why they are expressing their displeasure (in whatever form), and to try address the cause behind, if it can be addressed. Sometimes, things are the way they are (I had a female reportee who cried since she did not get a performance rating she expected). The only way is to set the expectation correctly, or to be transparent and explain why certain things are the way they are from the organization’s perspective.